goodbye?

I guess this is a goodbye. Not completely, although I don’t know where we stand right now. But a goodbye to the person you used to be, the person I first fell for, the person who seems to be gone.

I wanted it to be you so badly. I wanted you to be my one hit wonder—my first and my last. I should have known that it wasn’t going to work. I think I did, in a lot of ways. But I was so desperate to feel things that I plunged ahead without thinking. I still don’t regret it. I had you for a bit.

I know now that I deserve better than the person you are right now. I'm not going to call you a man, because it’s my understanding that a man wouldn’t act the way you have. I deserve a man who looks at the world the same way I do. One who looks at everything about me—flaws, laughter, jokes, mess-ups, morning breath, flat eyelashes—and still thinks I'm the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen. I deserve a man who points me to God, one who I can grow and pray with. A man who will choose me again and again and will never make me question if I am enough.

I still feel that just maybe, our timing was off and God wanted to give us a taste of life to come. That we will change and grow by ourselves, but that eventually we will fit. And if not, someday I will get to meet someone else. The excitement of life comes from not knowing where it will take us, right?

I hope that the girl you will choose to have one day is good for you. I hope she has her head on straight. I hope she can call you out and that she gets to see you become a man. I hope that you appreciate her and tell her every day how gorgeous she is. Don’t call her a 3. Don’t tell her that there are other women you find more attractive. I hope you learn how to really, truly love her. I hope that if you make her cry, you won’t let it slide. I hope she loves your hands and your smile as much as I did.

For now, I am still learning to move on. To not think of us in the future. To not imagine a day where we would get to stand in front of family and friends and promise to choose each other for the rest of our lives. I am okay. I have learned to trust that God holds my future in His hands. I know that I am happy by myself. And while I desperately miss our lips together and being held in your arms, I am content to wait for another, be it another version of you or a new set of memories and personality entirely.

The love songs still make me think of you. Not that I was in love with you--no, we never got close to that. It’s the sad ones, more often than not, that really remind me, but I hear the wholesome ones and wish I had gotten the chance to experience you like that. But I know that someday, you will be just another name and will be even happier with someone else.

So goodbye. Goodbye to the old you—the one who held my hand and looked at me like I was the whole world. I am learning to be okay with how I know the newer you. And maybe someday I will meet a different you—one who is softer and kinder and more mature. But maybe not. My future, after all, is not in my hands. And I am okay. I will be okay with you or without you.

Goodbye to September 30^th. Goodbye to spiderman far from home and venom. Goodbye to unlocked doors and patriots blankets and falling asleep on each other. I can get over you. I will get over you. Goodbye to the dark nights in tears and confusion, to choked words through the sobs and bruised knuckles on bulletin boards and wondering if I will ever be enough for somebody. I can get over you. I will get over you.

So goodbye. I hope you’re happy.